Dont know what I am doing! advice please (updated)

Short version - I don;t think I love my husband anymore, and regret us ever getting back together and dont know what is keeping me with him.

Long version - Me and my other half first seriously seperated in november of 05, when josh was 2 and charlie was 5 months old. I moved back to my home town of Rugby. It was never really a clean split. Husband never had a proper job, or decent state home, so he tended to come and stay when he had weekends free to see the kids. He always saw the kids as much as he could - although over the months I ended up giving him over 500 quid to keep him afloat. We made the mistake i suppose of continuing to sleep together, which of course just complicated the matter. By sort of march april time, we were starting to um and ah about whether we should give things another go. Finally in may we decided to go for it, not living back together straight away, but definately back together. OK, next issue. Since before we had seperated, there was this woman he spoke to online, I always had concerns there was somethign more to it. After we split he spoke to her a lot, on the phone and online (from america) In June he went over there to meet her. Despite my hysterical crying and fears that there was something going on, he convinced me she was just a friend and that in 2 weeks he would be back, with nothing having happened. Well, the day i dropped him to the airport i came home, and with doubt in my mind i got into his emails. Low and behold, he was telling me one thing and her another. He loved her, wanted to be with her. Any way...so. He came back, It tore me apart. I should have walked then I think, I had even met someone else who really wanted to take me out while he was away. Something had me begging him to choose me over her, and im not that kind of person. So basically thats always been an issue since, in the background. Think less of me if you must, but i have cheated. I have cheated a couple of times recently. I told him about one of them, but the other i havent, as it is with a close friend who i love dearly and wouldnt stop seeing. Im not a bad person, and not being faithful just makes me question what the hell we are still doing together. The kids? Maybe, they both love their dad so much, and he loves them. I dont know what OH would do if i took us all away from him again, that scares me. The thought of taking the kids dad out of their daily lives again leaves me in tears. I've lost sight of what it is we are fighting for in this relationship.

Help?

honey the first thing i'm going to say is, if u'r not happy the kids will sence it to.so the kids probably wont thank u for that when they are older. secondly, cheating usually happens if there is something deep wrong in the relationship. everyone deserves to be happy, even u! and if that means not being with hubby then so be it. if u decide to leave him the kids will adapt, as kids do. the fact he went off to the usa when u made it clear u didnt want him to tells me something, and should u to! from what i can tell u have both cheated (i think) so neither of u are happy together, u are both just staying together for the kids which is not good for you or them. ok thats my opinion. but it ultamately its u'r choice hunnie and nobody can tell u what to do. but know this: whatever u decide to do, everyone on JP is here for you and nobody will judge you, we aren't in u'r relationship, u are, so we have no right to judge either of you. i hope u make the decision that is right for u hun and find the happiness and contentment u deserve. i'm here and on msn if u need a good natter babe

oh hun im sorry your going through think but i think deep down you know the answer.
it is hard making the break and will take time but once its done you will feel so much better for it. i agree with kil too - the kids will sence something is wrong - im sure they would prefer mum and dad to be apart and happy than together and miserable.
you always have lots of ear and shoulders to cry on here if you need so dont feel alone.
i hope everything works out for you

thanks for your replies. the logistics of it terrify me. We would lose this house as the landlord wont take housing benefit and a cant afford the rent. my husband would lose his job because he doesnt drive. Life would just be miserable for everyone. I think I feel like right now staying together is the best thing for everyone, even me

like i said hun, its u'r choice and nobody has a right to judge u for u'r choices, but life will sort its self out eventually, u find somewhere to live that does take h/b, hubby would sort something out for himself etc. think about u'r happiness and the kids over that sort of stuff or u'll be with him forever, happy or not!

Interesting Quote....

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Erica Jong

its easier to be stuck in a rut than to make a few changes. its never going to be easy to make a decicion like you have to make but things would work out - do whatever makes you happy hun

thank you x

Hey hun, I think you already know what you need to do it's just scary to go about doing it... I think what Kelly said in her first post is exactly what I would have said... We;re here for you babe!

(((((((((massive hugs))))))))) to you hun.

i think everything has been said. taking that first step is always the hardest, but dont do something just for everyone else. think of you too. thinking of you

aww hun i dunno what to say but give u a big hug..i have been in a situation with j were i cheated on him and was gonna walk out, he even found out a and threatened to leave me, but he stayed for the kids, and i can say now we are gettin on alot better then we did before i cheated!

Hipmomma as I read your initial post tears came to my eyes as your story mirrors some of what I've been through with my husband. But one big difference is your first statement was "I don't think I love my husband anymore". Whereas no matter how angry or hurt I've been I've always loved my husband and this is why we've always fought for our relationship. But even with that love I sometimes have doubts in my head and think that we'd have split up long ago if it weren't for our children.
I completely sympathise with you and I'm guessing deep down you already know if you want to stay or split. It's just that you want to be a good mum and are afraid to make the wrong choice for your little'uns. Which of course is important,but you are important too and we're talking about the rest of your life which is a hell of a long time. And also by the sounds of what your husband has been up to I don't think the split would be entirely your doing.

I didnt mean to make him out to be a bad guy. We have both done wrong just in different ways. We moved into our own new place since we got back together 6 weeks ago, it was supposed to make things better. Instead im out every night avoiding being around, and he sits on the computer and doesnt life a finger (incidentally a big part of why we split to begin with) honestly i just dont know what to do. I know it might not be right, but im going to work on us all being in a better position, so if i do have to bite the bullet and call it a day, then it wont destroy our lives again. With Josh starting school im looking into getting a full time job. And if we can get OH his licence it will take a lot of the strain off me anyway. I drive 200 miles a week just ferrying him to and from work.

good luck hunnie!

That's a good idea,there's nothing wrong with giving it a go. As I said in my earlier post I've always worked on things with my hubby but still have my doubts sometimes and regrets. It's just knowing when to say enoughs enough OR when to work at it. As long as you BOTH work at it or there'll be resentment. Good luck and I really do hope you can be happy together again

I don't really know what to say hun, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.

We are all here when you need a vent xx

ok. update

firstly sorry i havent been around much, i havent been at home much.

I am shorty going to be going home to tell him its over.

I have no idea what that is going to mean for any of us.

I guess I'll let you know

Thinking of you hun.

aawwww... hunny good luck.. Big hugs to you, I know what you are going through is not easy, we are all here for you... and you know where else I am for you too if you need to talk ever.

oh hunnie
we're all here for you and i'm on msn if u need me