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HELP,second time mum first time Dad

NellyNelly
posted 9 years 2 months ago
Hi, I am a very proud mother of two wonderful little boys. My eldest is 8 years and my youngest is 8 month. I have been with my partner for three and a half years now and he has taken my eldest on as his own and he has been a wonderful Dad but as my eldest gets older my partner cant understand why he needs reminding on a daily basis to do his every day things such as wash his face, clean his teeth, tidy his room, sort his school stuff out ect. My son also moans and pulls his face about doing the every day things and about helping around the house and even at times answers back with a bit of cheek, my son gets pulled up on this behaviour but it still happens. My partner doesn’t think this is normal even though I have told him this is typical behaviour for an 8 year old but I cant convince him on my own and this is why I am turning to you for as much help and support as possible, I am desperate for any of your stories or advice or even book recommendations that could help me and my partner. It has caused a lot of arguments of late and I need to do something to bring them to an end as the arguments are effecting myself and sooner or later if not already it will effect my children but I don’t want that something to be the end of my relationship. So if any one feels they can help no matter how big or small please help, im really desperate and need all the help I can get as this is really bringing me down. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for all your help.

Nelly xxx


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hapydazyhapydazy Moderator
posted 9 years 2 months ago
Hi, welcome to JP!

I'm sorry I don't have advise for your situation but it sounds like your son's behaviour is kind of typical for an 8 year old... just keep at the discipline.

Good luck hun, I hope you get some better advise than I've been able to give Hug

wearyweary
posted 9 years 2 months ago
Hi, I have two boys 7 and a half and just 11. Dfferent fathers same Dad! Ive been with my husband since my eldest was 18 months, 2nd son biologically his! My eldest does however still see 'his daddy that made him' most wkends. What you say seems typical of his age for your son. My boys are very different to each other, chalk and cheese in every way, but have and do both display the behaviour you talk about at times. It is hard for my hubby sometimes because any 'negative' behaviour from the eldest is sometimes seen as bad genes which i hasten to add my hubby would never admit to thinking! I dont know wether this rings bells with you but sometimes i think my husband has a near zero tolerance with the eldest because hes trying to quash any 'bad genes', that may have been passed on, I hope this makes a bit of sense to you, and remember men are just taller boys! Good luck

Mummy5Mummy5
posted 9 years 2 months ago
Not sure I can help but just wanted to let you know totally understand what you are saying. I have 4 daughters from first marriage - 15, 14, 11 and 9. I also have 22 month old son with my new partner. Girls have really taken to my OH - who I have been with for almost 5 years. He is just so not used to all the noise and stress from kids that sometimes he can't cope. It's really hard trying to keep the relationship going and making sure my children don't suffer.

Not much help I know but just knowing you're not the only one going through it can help

NellyNelly
posted 9 years 2 months ago
Thank you for your responses, I just don’t no how to deal with the situation at times. I can really relate to the response from weary, my partner has said things like "he will end up like his dad". His biological dad is a waste of space and thankfully he doesn’t have contact with my eldest but that was his own choice. It really upsets me when I see my partner having zero tolerance for Thomas (my eldest) because I don’t think he will be like that with Alfie because Alfie is biologically his. I know as much as I don’t want there to be that there is a difference between my two boys but I don’t want my eldest to feel it because they are both mine and I love them equally and I want them both to have the same in every aspect while growing up but from things my partner has said I’m not sure what will happen. My kids will always come first!! Fell lost at moment, also dealing with postnatal depression so that’s probably making thing worse Frustrated Crying
I’m glad iv found JP, only found you other day but already feel I’m not on my own, big THANK YOU Thumbs Up
If anyone has anything more they could say to help I would be very greatful!!!

LucyLucy
posted 9 years 2 months ago
i think your boy is a typical boy and hell always needs reminding!!!! My Tom is 14 and still needs reminding to get up and wash and clean his teeth!!!

I suggest that unless you have to dont remind him. Let his do it in his own time, if hes late then let him be late and suffer the consequences!!!

Your partner needs to let him get on with it. I wouldnt want your boy to think that because hes not his dad hes being harder on him than the other child.

Dont worry its natural, and good luck

orc30orc30
posted 9 years 2 months ago
Hi Nelly

I have been the dad in that situation. I met my wife when she already had a daughter who was 6 months old. I brought the daughter up as if she was my own, and we had two other children while we were together. I know that I was harder on her than the other 2 but she is 5 years older and I felt that she needed to start taking some responsibilities on board herself i.e. tidying her room, remembering to do things without having to be reminded. She is now 10 and still needs reminding and that is just the way it is.

Perhaps it is just that your partner thinks that at this age your son should be able to do certain things without constant reminding.

Also the baby may be getting more attention than the elder son but then that is probably the same level of attention that your elder son got when he was a baby. Plain and simple babies require a lot of attention, and don't forget that it is first time round for him.

Make sure that the two of you talk, and try and get some time for just the two of you to have a night out or something without the kids. Perhaps there is something your partner and elder son can do together such as bike riding or playing football, to help build a bond.

NellyNelly
posted 9 years 2 months ago
My partner has really been trying this last week or so I just hope it will keep going. I love him all the time but don’t understand or agree with him all the time but he see's that as a problem with are relationship sometimes. I feel that we should have are differences but should come together when we are dealing with the kids, he understands in principal but doesn't happen in practice. Thomas my eldest kicks off more with his Dad than what he does with me and I keep trying to encourage my partner to deal with Thomas in the same manner as I do by staying as calm as you can but always remain firm and consistent with how you deal with Thomas and even though he knows I’m right he finds it hard to keep his cool so then Thomas kicks off more and that bugs my partner more so he shouts more and so on and so on until I take over, I do try to not interrupt but my partner starts making threats of punishment that he cant follow through so don’t no what else to do. Thomas I do feel takes advantage of the fact his dad can’t stay consistent because of the way he speaks to his Dad even though I have told Thomas countless times he should speak to his Dad with more respect like he does with me. Don’t know what to do!!! Shrug Thanks for all your responses by the way, they are really helping!!! Flower

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