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8 weeks preg and boyfriend has abandoned me. Abortion?

WhirlwindWhirlwind
posted 9 years 3 months ago
My story is a little complicated. I'm 23 and two months pregnant, and my boyfriend of four years who is my best friend has moved out and declared he wants nothing to do with me unless i have an abortion. He tells me 'its just a bundle of cells' and that blood-loyalty is stupid and he'd rather adopt, that he's two young and a child will interfere with his phd (like it wouldn't if he had a 40-50 hr week job?) and that he can't cope with me 'going to pieces'. Mostly he thinks i am as unsuitable as a mother as he is as a father. In the past he has often had to pick up the pieces as i've had a long standing battle with anorexia and depression (no longer, and pregnancy has cleared any last anxieties i had about food! So hungry!) caused by a negative relationships with my mother and step father and to him i see this is just another example of my recklessness; it was an accident though. I should say i don't go out partying, do drugs, or even drink! I'm a real homebody and wanted nothing more than to be a mother and a housewife. Everyone says i'm not maternal. I am quite emotionally dependant and not very strong and i have low confidence. I don't even have a job although i intend to get my masters degree part time whilst raising the baby using my savings, and do some more temping from my second trimester onwards. Unrealistic? My mother has already said she will help out; my family are wealthy, but i don't really want her involved as she says very hurtful things to me and is very controlling. I worry that i would hurt the baby if i have it, that i might neglect it or something, but i also wonder if it could help me grow to be stronger. A silly risk? He says my reasons for having it are selfish, that yu don't have children because you think they will offer you new challenges, or love, or even because you just want them, so why do people have them then? Tradition? He's the rational one, but he's walked off, he says it isn't him who risks messing us both up, it's me, for having the baby instead of having an abortion which is the responsible thing. But i've wanted a baby so long, maybe i just wanted it because i couldn't have it... i keep having nightmares that i've been asked to catch mice and that when i find them, i have to break their sweet little necks, and i can't do it, its horrifying, so i hide them away, even though i know someone else is going to come along and kill them instead if i don't. I'm one of those people who can't kill a spider. I'm completely freaking out. If my boyfriend was here i would want this baby 100%, even though that might make me really stupid, For killing it he's promised me an engagement ring, a house, a dog, and 'children in about seven years time' - can our relationship even survive the hell he has put me through? I know i'll always carry resentment and regrets if i get rid of it especially as his sister will probably have baby soon and my cousin (only 19) just had hers. He says i shouldn't compare my situation to others. For me getting an abortion, even letting those doctors near me, makes me want to completely freak out (which he says is why i'll make a terrible mother, i'm so emotional and he's right). I feel like the universe has given me a gift, and once again, i have to turn it down because i'm too weak and as everybody says 'away with the fairies'. Is he right? I just want everything to be different, i feel cold, angry and betrayed. I love him so much i just can't bare to see him playing happy families in future with someone else who he deems 'suitable'.


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ElementaryElementary
posted 9 years 3 months ago
I think what he's doing is terrible - to offer you engagement and a future if you have an abortion It sounds like everyone around you is emotionally blackmailing you Scared Do you have a counsellor or someone independent you can talk to.
To be honest in your confused state I don't think they would just 'grant' you an abortion - they would want you to speak to someone - and please do there is help there.
Everyone else seems to have destroyed your self confidence because they know they can Unsure No

mummy2elliemummy2ellie
posted 9 years 3 months ago
thats such a terrible thing a guy could say to a girl


look i had my daughter at 16 yes young but i wanted her there was no option even if her dad made me get rid
at the time i was really ill with my nerves i quit college i didnt eat i was more a less a wreck till i got pregnant, it made me the person i am today i was just like you till i found out i was pregnant not eating nothing just a pile of bones and pale skin

my daughter is two next week and im nrly 19 and also pregnant again 10 weeks my abortion last yr made me understand that lifes cant be messed with and you cant kill one because of your doubts
my life is about my daughter and my unborn baby
they will always and have always come before any guy
think about your flesh and blood before any man because they dont stick around forever your kids will love you for who you are not what you are

i had an abortion last year it was the biggest regret of my life i already had a daughter at the time and still to this day it kills me knowing i killed somthing what was so special i did it because i was still young with a one yr old and didnt think i could cope even though the babys father wanted it, i couldnt even look at my own daughter at the time because of what i did. please dont make the mistake thousands of people make because of a selfish man
my sister was in the same situation her BF didnt want her to keep the baby but she choose the baby over him and shes due to give birth nxt week

claire2711claire2711
posted 9 years 3 months ago
oh my god Shocked what he's doing to you is totally out of order!! he is practically bribing you to get rid of your baby!!

it really sounds like you want this baby, and love him/her already. i felt exactly the same at your stage, its inside you and of course you're gonna feel love for it. to call it just a "bunch of cells" is bloody disgusting. Evil or Very Mad


if he's like this now, whats to say he would be any different years down the line with his "planned" children? our lil baby was not planed but he is still gonna get all the love in the world.

in my opinion, you should find someone neutral to speak to. he cannot force you to do anything, and dont let him emotionally blackmail u like this! Evil or Very Mad he should be supporting you 100%.

sounds to me like you could do a lot better than him hun x x x x x x

RichRich Moderator
posted 9 years 3 months ago
2 months pregnant...so that "Bundle of cells" now has a heart beat, he needs to look these things up before sounding like an idiot...what a wa Angry ker. Sounds like, you should cut your losses and move on. Keep the child if this is what YOU want to do, do not let him black mail or bribe you in such a undermining manner. People like that make me sick!

You do realise he wants 100% control over what you do and when you do it right?...and if you give in to his pressure, then thats what you are going to have to look forward to for the rest of the time you are with this fu Angry ing idiot.

Ok, backing off this for a while, this has made me pretty steamed!

Do the right thing for you, not someone else, thats the bottom line.

angelsmomangelsmom
posted 9 years 3 months ago
he sounds like a f Angry w Angry . i wold get away asap no matter. it does sound like you want this baby, have you got your midwife already? if so speak to her she could refer you to someone to speak to about all yor doubts and worries.

dont worry about speaking to your midwife about your doubts on being a mother shes prob heard it all before.

the feelings of an abortion stays with you aslong as a child would. i cant speak from experience tho i have had a miscarriage about 4years ago and i think about that baby all the time.

i hope you get yourself sorted hun.

GTTkelGTTkel
posted 9 years 3 months ago
If you got rid of the baby there is no guarantee he would do any of the things he has promised, talk comes cheap! Also how can someone say they'll get engaged to you, thus commiting their life to you but say they wont stay with you if you have this baby? That's not commitment, that's actually freaking out at the prospect of having to show long term commitment. You have to ask yourself would you be happy to have a baby as a single parent? If you do then you know you really want to become a mother regardless of your relationship status. What is more important to you, the unborn baby or your man? Do you think you'd both be happy after an abortion if you had one?

hapydazyhapydazy Moderator
posted 9 years 3 months ago

GTTkel said:
If you got rid of the baby there is no guarantee he would do any of the things he has promised, talk comes cheap! Also how can someone say they'll get engaged to you, thus commiting their life to you but say they wont stay with you if you have this baby? That's not commitment, that's actually freaking out at the prospect of having to show long term commitment. You have to ask yourself would you be happy to have a baby as a single parent? If you do then you know you really want to become a mother regardless of your relationship status. What is more important to you, the unborn baby or your man? Do you think you'd both be happy after an abortion if you had one?


I have to agree 100% with what GTTkel said!! And I don't get what he said about blood-loyalty being crap and you can adopt... wtf does he mean by that?? You're pregnant now why would he want you to adopt??

I would say he may come around and it may be just all nerves making him be this way but I if I were you with or with out you going on with this pregnancy, I would really get out of that relationship!

I'm hoping that you get some help to sort through your problems hun Hug

kristagkristag
posted 9 years 3 months ago
Oh sweetheart, please, please go and talk to someone independent.

As everyone here has said, it's YOUR decision and yours alone. It's a lot to think about but you do need a bit of time to think so don't rush into anything.

I'm sickened by his reaction to this 'bundle of cells'. If he's bright enough to be going for his PhD, surely the prat must have some comprehension of the human productive system and how babies grow? If not, point him to Google, I sure he could struggle to navigate his way around there and find a few clues, the f Angry kwit!

Sorry, it's people like him who sicken me. You sound like you need some neutral input and care.

It's only my personal opinion but I would dump him no matter what you decide. He sounds manipulative and selfish. It took the two of you to do this and yet he's dumping total responsibility on to you and washing his hands of it. What does that tell you about him? He's a waster who is totally immature and he's trying to make out like you're the one with the problem. Send him a mirror as a goodbye present hon!

Whatever your choice, I wish you all the best. It's going to be tough whichever route you choose but at least it's your choice and yours alone.

Hug

LucyLucy
posted 9 years 3 months ago
get rid of him and have your baby, hes a control freak and hes messing with your head!

hes abusing you verbally and mentally, if you have had anorexia this maybe your only chance at having children and hes now trying to stop that.

Id cut your losses ditch the loser and get on with your life.

candgsmumcandgsmum
posted 9 years 3 months ago
I can only agree with what everyone else has said here.

Please get some independant advice before you go through with an abortion. To me, what you've written says to me 'I don't want an abortion, but I will lose my boyfriend if I don't'.

The fact he thinks a Phd is the most important thing in his life over 'a bunch of cells' shows that he is a very selfish person. (This bunch of cells has already a heartbeat)

I'm not against abortion personally, but only for the right reasons, not because a controlling ass of a so called boyfriend can't cope that something has happened beyond his control.

x

AmericanMomAmericanMom
posted 9 years 3 months ago
- My blog
You really should analyze what you wrote. You are young, although not a teenager. Will you be capable of handling a baby's needs? You said your boyfriend left you because he doesn't 1- want a baby 2- think that you are a good mom 3- feels it would get in the way. Even though he is actually thinking rationally and clearly he is wrong to push you to have an abortion. You have a gift, it's up to you on what to do with it. Look at all the post from the moms here who are dying to have a baby and can't. What about adoption? So you have to carry a baby for 9 months, people have suffered worse. What you would give in the end is the most joyous beautiful thing, and you would have taken a bad situation and made it into a great situation.

SadiebuggSadiebugg
posted 9 years 1 week ago
First of all I am so sorry that this situation which can and should be so wonderful is complicated and scary for you.

I was/am in a similar situation. My advice for you is to really think of the logistics of each choice and how you are going to deal with the ramifications of each one. Perhaps you should also consider adoption. It sounds to me like you don't feel good about having an abortion, which is an important thing to consider. I have had friends who have had them and it hasn't affected them at all but many times if a woman is struggling with the thought of it it will cause serious emotional issues later. It doesn't sound like you should lean on your family and you can't lean on the daddy (although you have the right to make him pay child support). So you have to look deep inside yourself and be the strong woman that is in each of us and find the answer and the will to carry it out.
My story is similar, although I am 31 and sure I am emotionally ready to have a child. The father and I hadn't been seeing each other for more than 3 months when I found out I was pregnant, though we were friends before, and we weren't seriously dating. So I was/am not in the kind of situation that is best for a child. At first he was terrible. He wanted me to have an abortion and said he would have nothing to do with it. I don't know if he actually felt this way or if it was a ploy to try to make me feel alone and to get me to have an abortion. I made up my choice to have it and told him that I made my decision and that it was his decision to either be in the child's life or not but the abortion choice was never his to make. He needed some time alone to be an angry asshole and now he is slowly transforming. He is becoming excited and thinks that maybe it's good for him. I don't know if we are going to be together but either way I know that I can do it if I am motivated and strong and surround myself only with people who are supportive.
I hope that helps. Just know that men have to go through a kind of jerk period. Maybe he will transcend that and maybe not but either way you can be ok alone if you are strong. Or if you think that you can handle the emotions of having an abortion maybe that's what's best for you. Just don't rule out adoption. You could give the chance to have a baby to a couple who really want one and would be great parents.

Women fought for the right to choose what to do with our own bodies. Make sure the choice is yours and not manipulated by his opinion.

SadiebuggSadiebugg
posted 9 years 1 week ago
Sorry, I forgot to say something. It helped me to talk to someone at planned parenthood and have them explain exactly what happens during the process of an abortion. Then I thought deeply about how having a baby would affect me financially, emotionally, in my work, in my daily life and every way possible. Then I thought about how it would feel to go through 9 months of pregnancy and give up the child (to a warm loving couple). I chose to keep it but your choice may be different.

blessedblessed
posted 9 years 1 week ago
how horrible for you, I'm sorry you're in this situation! My advice is to think how you would feel if someone said you have to have an abortion and then if someone said you have to keep the baby - one of them will make you feel more awful than the other - the decision is already inside of you.

On a personal opinion - if you give into this guy on this situation, you'll be giving in to him for the rest of your life. He is a control freak and a healthy relationship sgould be emotionally balanced. I was in a relationship before my husband where, without me knowing and over a period of years, my boyfriend took away all my self esteem and made me think he was God's gift and that I was head over heels in love, whereas really I'd just been totally manipulated.

BTW - your guy is not acting out of love for you and he should be if he wants you to stay with him.

also, if you have the baby and leave him, you wouldn't be on your own - there are so many baby / new mum / toddler groups out there that you would easily make friends and have them for support. And don't worry about financial issues - mums give away their unwanted, hardly used baby stuff and it's always cheap on ebay or freecycle!

Hope this is of some help. Keep us updated. Hug

streetfirestreetfire
posted 8 years 11 months ago
well i can kind of relate to your past mind you i was 18 found out i was pregnant was only with the father for a little over a year and he wanted me to get an abortion, so i stood my ground knowing how much i was against it and kept her well he came around realizing that i wasn't going to do what he wanted me to do, but if he'd of left that day then i would have kept my daughter anyway. i suffered from anorexia and depression as well he helped me through it but now i am no longer suffering from it. it stopped basically when i found out i was pregnant with my daughter. so hun to be honest with you, if he's not going to stick around that's fine but believe me you can get through it no matter what. this child needs you. at this point the child has movements and a beating heart and depends on you to take care of them. and well now i'm 21 married and pregnant with our 2nd child my daughter is now 3 and i'm still with the father it's been 5 years now. so even though your story isn't going great. it could always turn out to be great in the end you just have to stick with what you want to do. not what someone else feels that you need to do. and when he says you will be an unfit mother or that you don't have maternal instincts. they come along more and more as your pregnancy progresses. he may have promised you a house and engagement ring. but really will money buy you hapiness or will this child bring you more happiness knowing you did not abort? my mother always said hurtful things to me but as soon as i had my daughter it has changed she's come to appreciate me more now. so hun really what i'm trying to say is that you can get through this you are strong enough and if you will resent anyone for aborting then that is not the way to go. do what you believe is right not what he tells you he wants you to do. well hopefully this helped and i hope in the end you are happy with your decision.

hannah81hannah81
posted 8 years 11 months ago
Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

I think most people on here have given you great advice and I hope you are strong enough to make the decision you want want to make, and that you make it for you and your baby and nobody else. I feel that I can share a little of my story with you and hopefully that will help. I have battled with depression since I was 16 and at unioversity started to striggle severly with eating, I dropped to a dangerous weight and started taking drugs to control my appetite. It was a long struggle and I had to work very very hard to get myself out of the life but I did. It was a horroble time and I don't look back on it with fondness.

That said, i am a great mum. (Or at least I think I am). Yes, I striggled with PND but so do thousands of women who have no history of depression and that shouldn't be a reson to not have a child but other than that none of the things I went thorough or that affected me then have had any bearing on my ability to be a good mother now. All of the things he is saying to you are irrelevant to your ability to step up to the challenge of motherhood. Daxton was unplanned and my partner was certainly nervous and sceptical about it (noweher near to the same extent) but you are the one that is pregnant and you get to decide what you want to do with your body. If he chooses to walk away that is not your responsibility however distressing it is for you. If you did what he asked and went through with the termination, your relationship would probably fall to pieces anyway because of the anger and resentment you feel towards him and the stress such a horrific thing would put on you both.

If you want a termination than that is fine but it has to be your decision and from what you have written I can already see that this is not what you want. Good Luck.

H x

SeaThreePeeOSeaThreePeeO
posted 8 years 11 months ago
I cannot add anything to the already superb advice and support you have been given.

I would just like you to know that even though it is hard work there is life after being a single parent.

I imagined that I would be on my own forever, but I am now happily married to a wonderful man who readily accepts my daughter for who she is and we also have a child of our own.

The decision is of course yours alone, but please do not let anyone make you think that having a child is effectively ending your life, it isn't, it enriching it.

hapydazyhapydazy Moderator
posted 8 years 11 months ago
Hey guys there's been some really great advise given here but I just wanted to point out that the member made this post over 3 months ago and hasn't logged back in since....

I hope that maybe she has read the forum with out signing in and taken some of the good advise given here...

Whirlwind if you are still keeping up with this thread, I hope that you've made the decision that was best for you and things have turned out well, come back and update us!

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